she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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