if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Randomize
