if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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