I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
