make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
