he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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