its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
