Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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