I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
