mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
