you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
