I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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