I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
