i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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