im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
