I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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