Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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