I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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