So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
