Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
