I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
