I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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