dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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