Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
