Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
