i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
