Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
