I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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