she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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