I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
