wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
