Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
