he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
