this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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