I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
