No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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