I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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