Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
