note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
