My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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