Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
