my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
