It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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