You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
