Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
do herpes really smell.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
