I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
