I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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