My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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