Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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