I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
