dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
