theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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